my life inspiring expieriences

It is the afternoon kinda boring Memorial Day which is kinda dragging out. I am sitting here just trying to motivate myself to start my crafts and get them done. I met a woman from a ad I placed on craigslist not thinking anyone would answer my ad. I am not unhappy in my marriage it just has not completed me in a way of feeling whole. I have struggled my whole life with being a bi f. I never had the courage to act upon my interest in woman since I have admitted to myself and everyone that I am bi. I am proud to be able to be accepted for me and no one else by my husband and some of the family that do actually show their active support and love for me. I have not been able to find a way to tell my children yet but they at the moment do not need to know unless they were living with me then I would try to explain it in a professional way with someone  present that could help them understand. There is just something about a woman can give you things a man can't and a man can give you somethings woman can't. but this all stems from the abuse I took as a child growing up. I forgave the people that hurt me even if I have not forgotten my soul feels so much more free since I forgave them not for them but for me to be free in life. I can remember the hurt but I do not hold a grudge because it is not worth my time or effort. I know I have many things to do in this life than waste my emotions on that. I do have a better understanding of acceptance of things that stem from many years of therapy which took sometime to be accepting of the change from the help I received. 

I  know growing up mostly with a single mom and her having her own challenges to deal with I can understand the reason for some of her actions but,confused by her nonacceptance of seeing things I see through my eyes. I know she was abused as a child and she had to grow up early than she liked to. She married my dad at the tender age of 16 yrs old and my father was 27 yrs old. I have seen a repeat of my childhood by watching my mom raise my children the same exact way I was. Do not get me wrong I love my mom but do not like what she is doing and the choices she has made in her life lately. I sometimes regret the decision of bringing my children up here to live with her instead of them being in foster care in Pennsylvania 10 yrs ago. They were in foster care due to my second husband leaving bruises on my son and the Child Protective service of Beaver County thinking I could not protect them. I even when they did the determination that night they were taken I asked for everything I could in order to make me and him better parents for them. He did not love me enough to go against his father( not his biological one) who loved to control every aspect of our lives from work to personal and family. But getting off the subject My mom doesn't accept me for being bi because she doesn't understand how I can love two people at once. I tried to explain it but like most parents not willing to listen and understanding of things.  I do not need her approval but family has always been important to me no matter what a family member has done to me. I let it go even if I can't forget life is way to short.

If everyone held a grudge against someone all their lives they miss out in the most important events in their families lives such as births,deaths,reunions and marriages. I am not saying I would not be upset with someone for alittle while but I always want to find a way of forgiveness and move one through the pain. Why would anyone want to miss out on such big family events or lose a friendship over something totally foolish. It is easier to forgive but maybe not to forget things. There is alot of help out there you have to be willing and wanting it. Once you do accept and ask for help then the healing can begin in your heart.But, you have to be open to it and really want it because the help won't work unless you accept it with arms and heart wide open.

I have lost so much because some of my family has held grudges, anger and judgement. I love them no matter how they feel about me or what has happened in my life. I mean someone can paint a nice picture of things and twist words around like a pretzel. Unless, you have the story from the one it is about you then have a nonfiction story written by a third person and not told in the first person. The main character knows it best when told by the first person then you can see why they made the choices they made. Everyone's life has a beginning a middle or climax and an open ending because that has not been foretold yet. The reason it continues it is because when you have children your story becomes their story and so forth.  My mom is good picture and story teller so no one knows the truth about my life. I am real. I am bi. I have 2 children. I have been married now 3 times. I have been abused in every way possible except for parental and grandparent. I am not saying I want to in anyway. I am so happy about talking to this woman from New Hampshire.

I have other things I deal with on a daily basis but control with some help of medications and great support from doctors, caseworkers and counselor.I hope some of this helps someone but it is always good to be open to others. Always be open and honest with anyone you work because if you do not you are only doing half the work of getting better you will be stuck in limbo and not feel whole inside.